Yesterday I was in one of those broken places. Maybe you’ve found yourself somewhere similar going through something yourself. It’s a place I go to quite often these days.
As a believer I have this great comfort in someone to blame for the loss of my son. God. It’s SO easy to point my finger and take all this rage out on him for doing all of this to us. I also know, he can take it. What I’ve said to him and how I’ve blamed him is nothing compared to what he had to do on the cross, so he just takes it. And I like that. Maybe you think I’m crazy here and you’re like “ummm you can’t say that to God, he’s.... GOD.” Well I have friends. I’ve said it all. Some of the worst stuff. And when I’m don’t ranting at him for the ways he’s failed me, I’m always reminded.... through everything with Hunter, he’s been more real and present than ever before. Never have I felt so near to God, than in this portion my life.
Weird. Someone who comes closer to me, as I get angrier. Someone who bends down further to reach me when I’m yelling at him. Someone who finds me, even when I don’t want to be found. Someone who loves me despite the terrible things I’ve accused him of.
This is my faith. One that is no where near perfect and sometimes resembles a rebellious child with their parent who just wants to help. I fall off the path he has so perfectly laid out for me. I have hard days and when I need to get mad, he’s who I’m mad at.
And then when I’ve thrown a good little tantrum and done nothing productive but feel the hurt and pain, he’s always waiting. His hands reached out with forgiveness and grace that I wouldn’t offer me, ready to pick back up where we left off. He brushes me off, reminds me Hunter is home, but I have more work to do.
I have no great lesson in this post. I’m not a therapist or a doctor and I don’t have some grand advice to give through sharing this. I’m just hoping one person going through something really hard knows that if you stumble, you’re still going to be okay. If you’ve lost some faith and you’re wrestling with God, you’re not forgotten or hopeless or dismissed. Challenging your faith brings you closer to God. It’s so much easier for me to see his saving grace when I’ve fallen to some of my lowest points and realized he’s the only one who can pick me back up.
This is my faith journey. I serve a God who rescues me. Again and again and again.