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A broken, beating heart

I wonder about you every moment of the day. My heart is constantly screaming at me to mother you, it’s been so long. I will never be able to shake the need to worry about you, see you, and hold you. A mothers love, it’s so incredibly extraordinary. I know that between us, is this great big sky, something so big separates us for the time being. And I tell myself of all the ways you are taken care of and mothering you here on earth is no longer my job. But for some reason I..... just.... can’t....stop. 


You may not be here but I’m always wondering. You’ll never be left behind. You may not be here, but I treat your soul as if you are. I still catch myself dreaming of what you’ll accomplish in this life, the great impacts you’ll make, and the beautiful life you will live, mothers dream of this for all their children. But I am reminded constantly yours is complete. How it only took 4 sweet years to watch you do all your jobs. While I’m proud, it aches my heart in ways that cannot be explained.


I’ll always want more of you, and that’s where my true pain lies. I’m getting further and further from the last moment I saw you, and I still find myself completely shocked everyday that the moment they told me your heart had stopped beating, mine oddly continued to beat. Surely, my deep love for you would have proven itself in that moment and if your heart stopped, mine would have also. I’m learning that’s not how it works. An excruciating lesson in itself I have had to learn. To live everyday with out you is as painful as a life can be. But to live everyday for you is as beautiful as a life can be. 


I miss your beating heart, your crooked cheesy smile, and the perfect space you took in our everyday lives. But I don’t miss the pain you endured, the helplessness you experienced, and the horror of your days that cancer brought about. I’m spending yet another sunny summer day with your buddy, your bubba, your Chase. And I’m believing you’re spending all your days in the warmth of the sun. That you so much deserve. 


Until my heart stops, and we're together again, I'll just be here, dreaming of you every moment.







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