Every year on the hallmark holidays as we call them, my husband and I both put in little effort but big love. We’ve always concentrated on the simplicity of these holidays and just being together, rather than having some elaborate plans or gifts for the occasion. Some years, he would encourage me to spend a little time shopping alone or relaxing as best I could. But the year Hunter got sick everything changed. When we learned how quickly we could could lose one of our children, I just wanted to be with my kids on this holiday. All day, no plans with out them. Because they are the whole reason I AM a mom.
This is my first Mother’s Day without one of them in my arms. He won’t get to make me a handmade card, jump on top of me in bed in the morning, or spoil me with his Eskimo kisses and snuggles that far outshine any gift bought in a store. I know my biggest boy, will be there and ready to load me up double time because of this. He’s good at anticipating when I am low on little boy love, and he fills up my tank. But no matter what, there will be one missing. This will be my first happy, but not so happy Mother’s Day.
It will be filled with moments of joy, love, and laughter, I have no doubt. But I have never had a Mother’s Day also filled with sorrow. I know there are many people who celebrate a happy but not so happy Mother’s Day and feel these same feelings. People who have lost their moms, moms who have lost someone special, foster moms, moms who have endured a challenging road to motherhood, all kinds of moms. We get a glimpse of this holiday in a way we never ever wanted.
There is no gift, flower on this earth, or card from a store that can mend the aches of our broken hearts. The reason I am a mama, is because God saw it best in this life to gift us with two sweet little boys who would bless my whole world. I’ll never see a better Mother’s Day gift than that one. Sitting here now, realizing, I can’t hold those gifts in my arms at the same time on this day, tears me apart. But it also reminds me why I spent this cheesy yet lovely holiday with them by my side every year. I never knew my Mother’s Days here on earth with Hunter, would be limited. I never knew I would only snuggle him for 4 mother's days. I just never knew.
Yet, I knew that holiday was to be spent with them. My greatest gifts. Memories of past mother’s days will live in my heart forever. They are what I will see this Mother’s Day and all the ones that follow. You see, your mom doesn’t want a big gift, a bouquet of flowers, or some fancy card you quickly dropped off. Your mom wants YOU! All day. She didn’t have you and then wish for a spa day on this holiday. (Although, it wouldn’t hurt to pick her up a gift card for another day later this year.) She had you, so she could spend her life loving you. Sometimes, life takes a tragic turn of events and we don’t realize how precious that time really was, until we can no longer get it back.
No matter how simple this holiday is in my mind, I wish I had more Mother’s Days to snuggle Hunter. I wish so badly to wake up Sunday morning and hear his chitter chatter in the kitchen with Atom and Chase preparing something special for me to wake up to. I wish I could tell him one more time, “I am so glad I am your mama.”
I’ll find quiet in the day and I’ll still tell him while I hold Chase close. But it won’t come without the ache of not having them both in my arms. This Mother’s Day if you can, give your mom the best present. The gift of just being with her and letting her love on you.
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