Brokenness, pain, suffering, it all looks powerless from the outside. It could even look weak to many. The tears cried, the silences that come too often, the hurt that is so very visible to anyone and everyone. It is in our hardest moments on this earth we feel completely powerless. But everything can change, when the dust settles, and powers you thought unimaginable, are revealed. Sometimes, its not finding it just once, but repeatedly every day, often many times a day.
What I have found in the last few months is that, I have many types of power I had no clue about. One thing I have been told the most on this journey is “I could never do it. I couldn’t go through what you are going through.” This has always made me feel more alone. Like I was singled out for this journey, and they were thankful THEY wouldn’t have to go through it. At least that’s how I took the statement. Obviously, I know deep down they meant it as a compliment or an offering of strength. But I took it completely different. See, you can’t say what you can or cannot do in this life, because you have no idea what will be thrown your way tomorrow, next year or possibly many years down the road. None of us do. And I couldn’t see myself doing what we were doing until I was right there in that very moment.
The same goes for finding our strengths, our superpowers in this life. Sometimes, we don’t know we have them, until we stumble across them. For two and a half years, I made myself presentable every morning (well.. not every morning) and made my way to Seattle where most of the time, incredibly painful things were happening to my youngest son. We watched him endure day after day after day of a treatment that never worked for him. In October 2017, was we learned the harsh reality that none of it was working and they were now putting a number of days on the remainder of his life. And somehow, everyday we kept going. I look back on those days and often wonder to myself “how? How did we do it?”
The week before our son passed away, we saw clear signs that by only a miracle, we navigated around swiftly and efficiently. Signs that his life was ending, and we were losing him. But to make those days good, we had to push aside those signs and not give them our full attention. We can honestly say, until the hours before Hunter passed, he was happy, we were all happy and full of life. I can’t explain how we did that final week.
After Hunter went to heaven, we packed up what we could, and we left for a weekend at one of his favorite places, our cabin. We left with out him and that drive to our cabin will forever be a memory in my mind. I couldn’t figure out how he wasn’t in his car seat, chatting away, demanding pancakes. We left......with out him, and I am not exactly sure how.
These months with out Hunter, we have briefly stood still to accept the pain and let ourselves feel it. But we don’t stop for too long. Life is continuing and we find joy and beauty every single day. I have absolutely no clue sometimes how we do it.
So, I understand the statement in a way “I could never do what you are doing” because I see how sometimes you just don’t know how it’s done, its seems unfathomable. But you could do what I did, if you had to. I hope no one must do what we have done, but I know if you're called to it, you are capable. Because I have never thought of the word strength next to my name. I have never viewed myself as strong, I wish I could say differently. I have insane emotions and sometimes they take over me, I cry a lot, and sometimes I’m pretty irrational. But being who I am, somehow, I am doing the unthinkable. All the little traits about us, that the world says are “not good” make us perfectly who we need to be. I am not weak, I am not powerless. In fact, I am full of power. I have the power of trusting, loving, living, and believing on a level I never knew existed. And all this power has made me who I am today and will shape me for the rest of my time here on this earth.
Our powers in this life are often ones we never thought of ourselves having. I surprise myself every day, and I am sure, if you’re going through something challenging you have some extraordinary powers lying deep within you. Lately, the news has been flooded with tragedy of people ending their lives, and it breaks my heart because I know the feeling of being so deep in the pain, nothing, absolutely nothing looks like it can be rebuilt. There isn’t some magical explanation of why it can be rebuilt or recovered, that’s where the faith steps in and changes everything. Finding your power through faith usually happens right between rock bottom and knowing that giving up has never been a choice.
The powers I have now, have quite literally fallen in to my lap through the pain and suffering of my story. But I know they were there all along, built in to me by a God who has always known what I could do in this life, even when I have thought so poorly of myself. We are designed better, stronger, wiser than we could ever imagine. It may be broken now, but it won’t stay broken forever. Stay the path, accept the pain, don’t give up, and get ready to rebuild and uncover the greatest of powers you could only receive, because of what you went through.
Isaiah 40:29-31 “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”